Dr. Goose and Mad Kane

Here, in Dr. Goose's own humble opinion, are some of his best responses to "Mad Kane's Limerick-Offs;" blogger Madeleine Begun Kane supplies the opening line, and verse-writing hopefuls compete to see who can best complete it.

Before tucking into the verses below, be forewarned that some of them are a little spicy (if not too raw).


This week, when the keyword is “scenes”,
I wanted to break from routines.
Each verse I will use
To throw out some clues;
Try guessing what each of them means!

This silent is loaded with scenes
Of man in the thrall of machines,
And the mystical muse
Who changes the views
Of a rebel who’s born of great means.

This actor was noted for scenes
Of angst-ridden young men and teens.
If he had lived long,
He might have gone on
To become one of Hollywood’s deans.

In this mob movie’s earliest scenes
The specter of lust intervenes
With a gangster whose shlong
Is a few inches long;
In fact, it may be in the teens.

One of the funniest scenes
To blaze across Hollywood screens
Ends up with a din
Like trumpets and wind
And begins with a pot full of beans.

There’s a musical noted for scenes
Of dancing by killer chorines,
Who know of a spot
Where the music is hot,
And the lyrics are not for preteens.

In this movie, two ladies have scenes
Making one of the world’s great cuisines,
But the younger one’s thrown
By Beef Bourguignon,
And breaks down amid her tureens.

Answer key:
˙ɐıןnɾ & ǝıןnɾ ‘oƃɐɔıɥɔ ‘sǝןppɐs ƃuızɐןq ‘ɹǝɥʇɐɟpoƃ ǝɥʇ ‘uɐǝp sǝɯɐɾ ‘sıןodoɹʇǝɯ

A man who’d been recently canned
Was steamed to be dealt a bad hand.
After stewing inside,
He went out & got fried,
And ended up pickled as planned.

A fellow was trying his hand
At arranging a hot one-night-stand.
Said the lady: "Reports are,
Your Calvin Klein shorts are,
At best, insufficiently manned."

A fellow was trying his hand
At boosting consumer demand.
"As Chair of the Fed,
However," he said,
I'm feeling outgunned and outmanned."

A woman was planning a spread
“For the birthday,” she said, “of my Fred.
He’s a sorry schlemiel
Without much appeal,
But surprisingly useful in bed.”

A woman was putting on airs
At society ballroom affairs:
"I'm seeing a gent
From the point-one percent;
It's beneath me to date millionaires."

A fellow was putting on airs
Concerning his foreign affairs:
"It's contemptible slander
To say I'd philander
With nannies, instead of au pairs."

A princess was putting on airs
In the matter of household affairs:
"It's 'having one's way
Sur le grand escalier,'
And not 'going down on the stairs.'"

A man was recounting his woes
Of nights with Colombian hoes:
"In old Cartagena,
The hookers are plainer
Than agents were led to suppose."

A fellow was trying to show
His daughter the right way to mow;
He’d point, as he showed ‘er,
By kicking the rotor,
But now he’s got only one toe.

A fellow who looked like a hick
Was adept with the carrot and stick;
“On the hill in DC
Was the college,” said he,
“Where I learned this political trick.”

A fellow who wanted to lead
The nation in turning from greed,
Found most in agreement,
When thinking that he meant
The other guy’s greedy misdeed.

A man who was terribly high
On the board of the Yacht Club of Rye
Would blackball those would-be
New members who could be
More gauche than their wealth would imply.

A gal who was frequently prone
From imbibing too much Côtes du Rhône
Raised a glass (in a dream)
At a bistro in Nîmes,
While asleep on the floor in Bayonne.


A woman at work on a case
Of a guy who was gone with no trace
Was intrigued by the clue
That his sexy wife, Sue,
Had a satisfied smirk on her face.


A gal who was fast on her feet,
When caught in a clinch indiscreet,
Said: “My dear, I am told
That the cure for a cold
Is to heighten one’s bodily heat.”


A fellow was playing with fire
In transferring money by wire
In hundreds of G’s
To a bank in Belize,
Where he secretly hoped to retire.


A man who could never say no
To the urges that came from below
Was finally defeated
When thousands retweeted
His self-composed, solo tableau.


A fellow who loved fine cuisine
While camping with mujahedeen
Would freshly bake scones
While running from drones
And filling up flasks with benzene.


A woman was hatching a plot
For seducing a boy who was hot:
"I'll have him, me thinks,
After plying with drinks
At some out-of-the-way little boîte."


A woman who loved a good fight
Was prone to attack from the Right,
But once in a while,
She'd scramble the dial,
And attack from the Left, just for spite.


A gal who seemed guileless and sweet
Kept a scandalous secret discreet;
The details, though taboo,
May have something to do
With her hairy, size seventeen feet.


A fellow was terribly late
Changing Libyans' national fate
'Til he'd called evr'y chit in
From Germany, Britain,
Arabia, France and Kuwait.


A gal who was proud of her style
Thought to give Nefertiti a trial;
As she regally strolled
In a headdress of gold,
Some said: "She's de queen of denial."


A dame who was rather a scold
Of the sheep who might stray from the fold,
Made her tongue extra tart
For those who'd depart
From the Testaments, both New and Old.


A woman was on a campaign
That her faithful, but fumbling swain,
While whisp'ring his ardor,
Would make matters hotter
With amorous legerdemain.


A man who reported the news
Declined to wear trousers or shoes,
And would file his reports
In polka dot shorts
Of yellow and green and chartreuse.


A man who was terribly vain
Carried on (with his wife on the wane)
With his new lady love,
Who made videos of
His failed presidential campaign.


A man was enjoying dessert
With a woman whose up-riding skirt,
While he flambéed the pudding,
Unsettled his footing,
Thus, sadly, igniting his shirt.


A gal who was showing some thigh
'Neath a skirt that had ridden up high
Said: "I'll not take offense
To the poles in the tents
Of the trousers of male passers-by."


A woman was planning a trip
And decided to travel by ship:
"Plane travel demands
I allow roving hands
Or else electronic'ly strip."


A guy who was drunk and lacked smarts
Could still prove a point of Descartes':
"Though I'm tipsy and dumb,
'Cogito ergo sum,'
And my sum counts for less than my parts."


A frazzled new father named Jim
Favored lullabies proper and prim,
While cradling gently,
He'd pucker intently
And whistle a Methodist hymn.


A fellow was late for his train,
As he wondered just how to explain
His non-matching shoes,
The lipstick, the bruise,
And the really conspicuous stain.


A fellow whose car had been towed
(Double-parked while he used the commode)
Remarked: "It's a shame,
But nature's to blame,
For I heeded 'the call' on the road."


Said a naked young woman named May,
Turning red on the beach where she lay:
"I hadn't quite planned
On a naturist strand;
This requires more Bain de Soleil."


A woman who yearned for great fame
In a Summer Olympian game
Had her dream run aground
When a urine test found
She was nothing at all like a dame.


A man who had only one suit,
So as not to befoul his commute,
Would hang up his slacks
From the overhead racks
And spray with "Febreze" while en route.


A man who was known for his buns
Could swing a mean bat with his "guns",
And the girls found it hot
To ogle his trot
After each of his many home runs.


A guy with his foot in a cast
Said "Well, this time is surely the last
That, while crossing the street,
I send out a tweet
And download an iTunes podcast."


A fellow who drank to excess
Went to rehab, but under duress;
There his lurid confessions
Of drunken transgressions
Were acclaimed as a rousing success.


A fellow who had an affair
Thought his wife had remained unaware,
'Til his picture was clicked
In flagrante delict'
By that hard-boiled gumshoe Pierre.


An infamous author named Gene
Said: "I'll give up the literate scene!
My destiny's loomin'
With Alfred E. Neuman
In writing for Mad Magazine."


Said a fellow who hated to clean:
"Against nature, I won't intervene."
Like a bio-researcher
His apartment would nurture
Bacteria not heretofore seen.


A wealthy old woman named Kate
Said, "I won't spend a dime on a date,
But I'd sure like a suitor
A little bit cuter
Than that which you have to inflate."